


i'll wait (so show me why you're strong)

by commonemergency



Series: ficmas 2017. [13]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Religion Mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 16:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13011942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: sometimes it feels like a gaping hole.





	i'll wait (so show me why you're strong)

**Author's Note:**

> i had a very, very busy day. i started this late afternoon and now currently uploading this around midnight in a denny's (since i just moved and have no wifi yet) this is something i wrote for myself because some days are hard. 
> 
> i originally wrote this as more of ' _when you think about coming out_ ' and it turned out to be more ' _phrases my loved one has said to me during the hard days_ '.

_I’ll still love you even if the world doesn’t know how to love you._ They’re walking down the thames, the London Eye is behind them, and Big Ben is in sight. Another Christmas party, a little too much to drink but not enough that they won’t remember, but enough to make Dan feel a little sad, and think a little too much. It’s cold, there’s a lot of sludge on the pavement, but not enough where it’s unbearable. That seems to be the theme tonight, Dan thinks. Not enough. It’s odd being surrounded by other creators, and awkward sometimes. He didn’t know a lot of people, couldn’t seem to hold a conversation that wasn’t about something artificial like the weather or the media. Dan didn’t try to be a wild card but some days he just felt overly stimulated but he knew that he needed to do this because this was their company and it was meant to be fun. Dan couldn’t exactly stop his mental illness. Although he did try and prevent it. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. That was okay. 

They left as early as they could but it was still late, most of the tube stations were done for the night other than a few, and they could take the night bus that was a lot of standing and Dan had to burn off some of this energy. So they walked. In silence. The only sound that was made was the kicking of a few rocks because Phil still found enjoyment in that. It was enough to make Dan slightly smile even if it didn’t catch his eye. 

Sometimes there’s nothing to be said, sometimes Dan needed to feel this way to let it out, and he’d stumble through the fog until he found the lighthouse that was waiting for him all along. He wished it were that easy. It felt like a game of battle ship sometimes. 

There’s loud yelling on the other side of the street, a girl and a boy chase after each other. The boy comes up from behind the girl and wraps his arms around her and they both laugh. It’s an adorable sight to see and Dan and Phil are both thinking it. It doesn’t get to them a lot of the time, but sometimes, _sometimes_ it feels like a big gaping hole. _Thinking too much_. Dan gulps, they continue walking. They pass by historical buildings that would normally would be crowded with tourist, there’s various little independent shops and coffee chains, _but Starbucks would always be supreme_ , it’s the places that they’ve always gone to and passed by and are familiar with but everything is always a bit different at night. Even people. 

Because they are not those kind of people, the kind of people that holds hands and link arms and chase after each other in the dark because they’re young and in love ( _except that one time_ ). But Dan wants to be those people sometimes. There’s a reason why — and it’s been a pretty good reason for a few years now and it’s nothing new, and it’s safe and it’s enough most of the time, but Dan wishes that things could be more open, it’s just how it goes. Dan and Phil had been burned too many times and put trust into things that were faulty and they learned from that but it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. 

_I’ll still love you when you don’t know how to love you._ There are promises that can be kept, regardless of what Dan always says. Not everyone knows how to make promises but Phil makes the one promise that he knows that he can keep. It’s a comforting thought to an anxious mind like Dan. They’re still walking, pass the big business buildings and the tourists spots and Dan’s feet hurt, and he knows that Phil must feel the same so Dan stops them in their tracks, and cars speed pass them, maybe they’re going home. Dan is tired but not tired enough to sleep. 

Phil calls for a cab and Dan sits on the steps of a beautiful church, he imagines that it has high ceilings and a lot of beautiful paintings inside. Dan wonders if life would have been easier if he believed in God like his grandmother wished. The concept of spending forever somewhere like Heaven scared him, and the wrath and fire of Hell made him want to cry. It was funny how Heaven was supposed to sound like something that you wanted achieve and reach but the thought of eternity scared him to his bones. It was a terrifying thought putting your life into something that was forever. 

Dan finds himself leaning against Phil’s shoulder, they’re both sitting on the steps of a place that was holy and Dan felt like his insides were on fire and he knew that it wasn't the holy spirit. 

Phil rests a hand on Dan’s knee, and the wind howls, and it’s so cold their bodies are numb, perhaps the closest thing they’ll get to sappy romance is the thought that at least they’re cold together. There’s a reaction when they hear people in the distance to separate, the fear was imminent if only for a second. Dan still rests against Phil because tonight he wants to be that person. That kind of person that finds comfort in their partner, and leans against them from a long night of socialising because for some reason they’re the only person that makes them think that they can ever have a normal life. 

And Phil links their fingers together despite not being able to feel them and the taxi should be here soon but Dan is starting to think of how they could live the rest of their lives here in this little moment in time where nothing is distracting them, nothing is coming for them, there’s no rules and obligations they can just be. 

Phil presses his lips to the side of Dan’s head, because he doesn’t know where he’s at just that he’s somewhere, and it’s the kind of kiss that says, _I’ll be here when you get back._

When the taxi picks them up, Dan notices that it’s an older man, they hop in and they say nothing, he just turns the volume up to play classics, and Dan can hear the man hum a familiar song, and Dan wonders if it meant something to him or if it was just a catchy tune. Dan watches London out the window, falls in love with the city over and over again, with it’s pretty lights and bridges, and pubs on every corner and people down every alley. Manchester was where many things began but Dan wanted London to be where things ended. 

_I’ll still love you, and love you, and love you._ Home. Dan had asked what home meant to Phil, who had given him the pat answer, _well it’s a place where you live_. And then Dan had thought, _well, wouldn’t that be a house?_ Phil had thought about it and then shrugged and said, _I guess._ Home was a word with many meanings. Home had been a person for Dan for so long. Home was the place where he felt at rest, and his mind at ease. Home had been Phil’s scent, even if he hadn’t showered in two days, it was still a comforting smell, it was warm hands on a cold night, and hugs after a long day. Home was a reassurance that everything would be okay and while it felt like the end of the world right now and that there’d still be morning. Home was three hour breakfasts in the most literal sense because Dan couldn’t get out of bed that day and Phil had brought it to him. Home was a reminder that, _you were the one that picked yourself back up when you were down._

Phil holds his hands out for Dan to take while they make it up to their room. Phil helps Dan change out of his clothes into something warm, and when the lights go off there’s silence, and Phil holds Dan like he would any other time, but it feels a little bit different tonight. Phil’s fingers play with Dan’s hair and massage his head, and he gently rubs his back. Phil can’t keep the fog away but he can certainly help make it bearable. Dan has learned that sometimes using the white flag of surrender wasn’t always a sign of weakness, it was a sign that it was okay to ask for help, it was okay to admit that it was hard. He didn’t have to do it alone. 

Dan was learning to love this part of himself, it would just take a little time.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated!
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan**


End file.
